The Jacket

Jacob attended his friend Kyle’s birthday party last Saturday. On Sunday, we set off on our ski trip. Jacob claimed his jacket felt a little tight, and noticed it appeared shorter, too. I assumed he was simply outgrowing it, so I brushed him off and assured him it was fine. While we were gone, Kyle’s mom left us a message asking if Jacob had possibly worn the wrong coat home from the birthday party. I ignored it, assuming that the issue had already been resolved. Thursday evening, Kyle’s mom appeared at our door with Jacob’s jacket in hand. Well, no wonder the other jacket was a bit snug. It was an almost identical, but one size smaller, version of Jacob’s. So, Jacob spent the entire ski trip in a body-hugging, constricted coat belonging to some kid named Cameron. Oops.

What We Did Today

Busted

Jim dropped in unexpectedly on Bev Saturday afternoon and found her puffing on a Lucky Strike. Who knows how long she has been sneaking cigarettes? I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that she remembers to turn off the oxygen when she lights up. So far, so good - I guess.

Debbie drove Bev to Bingo Friday night. We all assume that Bev must have called one of her Bingo cronies to pick her up Saturday night, because she was not home when Debbie tried to reach her. Jim was not at all concerned that his mother was unaccounted for, so I elected not to care either.

Bev Alert

Many people have been asking how my mother-in-law is doing, so here is an update on her condition. I will be frank, because you asked! She constantly grumbles. Her thoughts are absentminded. Her disposition is cantankerous. Her pessimistic rants are mind-numbing. Even Jim is becoming aggravated with her, which for some reason I find amusing. (Adam often accuses me of displaying schadenfreude.)

Yesterday Bev phoned me five (Yes, FIVE) times in a two hour period. During each subsequent call, she did not remember what we had talked about in the course of the previous conversation. The chats all referred to our ski trip (she repeatedly had our departure date incorrect), her cash on hand (she kept forgetting where her money was), and her desire to get her car keys back. Jim is adamant that he will not hand the keys over to her because he does not want to be liable when she has an accident. Debbie, on the other hand, feels that Bev may be ok to drive, so she is bringing her a set of keys after work today. In all seriousness, letting Bev on the road again would be a mistake of epic proportions. I am not even concerned that she will buy cigarettes – she will. I am worried sick that she will injure someone, and I only hope Debbie will be able to live with the guilt if that happens. So, beware of a silver Buick Century speeding around town with a white-haired, oxygen-breathing, chain-smoking senior sitting confusedly behind the wheel. Then head in the opposite direction and stay as far away as humanly possible. And, don’t stray anywhere near her house, either, since there will be oxygen + open flames combining regularly there. Consider yourselves forewarned.

Addendum: Debbie showed some chutzpa and told Bev she was not yet ready to journey out on her own. Bev informed us that she is planning to drive to Bingo Friday night anyway. Stay tuned!

Slight Setback - Take 2

The suture tape that I had on my previously stitched finger finally came off Monday morning. The nurse practitioner had assured me that it would simply fall off in five days. It lasted eight. Suture tape is a secure material. It’s like the super glue of the tape world. It seemed to be fastened more firmly to my knuckle than the stitches had been. When at long last it loosened and fell off, I was ecstatic. I sooo looked forward to bending that finger and showering without a glove again. I glanced excitedly down at my hand, and discovered that the CUT WAS STILL OPEN. It looked exactly like it did the day the stitches were removed. Neither the stitches nor the suture tape had successfully closed the gash. As a result, the splint must remain on, and the laceration has to stay clean and dry until it heals naturally. Which could be . . . who knows how long? I think I may just be walking around with a gaping wound on my finger for a long time. Which wouldn’t be all that horrible – I’m certainly used to it – except we are going skiing and that metal splint gets freezing cold whenever I am outside, and, consequently, it turns my entire hand into an ice cube. Does anyone know if there is such a thing as a plastic finger splint?

Follow-Up

Some of you have raised a very good question in regard to the Valentine’s Day Q & A with Jim.

The frequent inquiry: Who paid for that first date? Answer: I paid my own way, but Jim did spring for my movie ticket on our second date. (It was a matinee, so it only set him back a couple of bucks, if that! Plus, I drove.)

I noticed, too, that the names of the TV shows he mentioned as his favorites were all acronyms. Kind of interesting.

According to Jim

Jim and I don’t really “celebrate” Valentine’s Day. We don’t even exchange cards. We agreed long ago – maybe when greeting cards became more expensive than paperback books – that there was no sense in spending money on something that would be tossed into the trash within a week. (Aww, the romance . . .) The boys do, or, in Adam’s case, did, pass out cute little cards and eat heart-shaped candies on February 14th. Overall, though, it is merely a regular day around our house. Given that I have recently started blogging, however, you are now unfortunately all too aware of my humdrum, valentine-less existence. Just so you realize that Jim and I do sometimes partake in thrilling tête-à-têtes, I recently queried him and recorded his answers for your, um, holiday entertainment.

Do you remember our first date? Yeah, we went to that brunch. (Right! It was an annual holiday brunch arranged by a group of his friends. I had to suggest to him that he invite me, though.)
How about our second date? A movie – “Beverly Hills Cop.” (Right again! Impressive.)
When did we get engaged, and where? At Tahquamenon Falls, in August sometime. (Yup, August 16, 1985 to be exact.)
What time did our wedding ceremony start? Six o’clock. (His memory is better than I thought.)
What is your favorite food? Pizza
Favorite dessert? Banana Cake
You have a reputation for being, uh, thrifty. Do you believe you are cheap? Yeah, but not in a bad way. I just don’t like throwing money around.
What has been your favorite vacation spot so far? I have liked all of our trips. I liked going to Europe in 2005. And I liked our honeymoon in Europe. (Note to self: He liked Europe enough to mention it twice. That is eye-opening!)
Where would you like to go that we have not been yet? I don’t know. We’ve been everywhere. (Yeah, right.)
Do you remember what time of day Adam was born? 6:12, no wait, 6:13.
Morning or evening? Uh, p.m. (Well, not exactly. It was 5:12 a.m. Adam was listening to us, and was stunned that Jim did not accurately recall his birth time.)
How about Jacob? Ok, he was born at 5:12 p.m. (Jacob was jumping up and down at this point, wanting to help out. Actually, Jacob was born at 6:13 p.m. See the pattern, anyway? 5:12, 6:13. The next child would have been born at 7:14, then 8:15, and so on. A shame that will never happen!)
What was the name of your favorite teacher? I can’t think of any. (Trick question! I knew he’d never be able to come up with a teacher’s name.)
Do you have a favorite actress? Um, no.
Actor? Um, no.
TV show? I’ve liked lots of shows throughout the years. I used to watch MASH. Now I like CSI and NCIS.
Movie? Nope, no favorite. (Jacob suggested Jim choose “Alvin and the Chipmunks.”)
What do you think of Adam’s long hair? Well, it doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you mean. He is old enough to choose his own hairstyle.
What is the one thing I do that annoys you the most? Um . . . well, I can’t think of anything.
C’mon, there must be something? How about spending too much of our hard-earned money? No, not really. I don’t like people who spend money unnecessarily, but you don’t do that. (Whew, off the hook there.)
How about when I plan vacations? Well, sometimes you plan too many vacations. (Too many? What?)
There must be something I do that really, really annoys you. I’m annoyed that you keep bugging and nagging me about this particular question.

So, this is where I stopped. Not exactly earth-shattering material, I suppose. But, see, we can be quite the exhilarating couple when we want to be!

A Slight Setback

I returned to the Urgent Care to get my stitches removed today, as previously arranged. I was giddy with anticipation, awaiting the freedom that I would again enjoy with the uninhibited use of an unwrapped, unsplinted, and ungloved finger. Everything was looking great, until the sutures were taken out by a nurse practitioner. The guy had chuckled when he first came into the room and learned that my stitches had been in for two weeks. (“Whoa, that’s a long time. Outta be shut by now, ha ha.”) He sliced away at the threads with a scalpel, and then a puzzled look came over his face. The nurse practitioner proclaimed that he was shocked that after 14 days, my laceration was still not completely closed. As a result, I have to keep the injury covered and dry, and not bend my finger for five more days. Just my luck, to have the only wound that doesn’t heal after being stitched and splinted for a fortnight.

Keeping You Posted

We accompanied Bev to see her family doctor on Tuesday. He had all of her paperwork from the hospital, and, just to add more pieces to an already complex puzzle, he mentioned that she had suffered a slight stroke due to that clogged carotid artery. We have heard so many diagnoses for her that we don’t know who or what to believe anymore. What we do realize for sure is that she is still confused, and completely uninterested in doing anything other than complaining. It makes for some very unpleasant and seemingly endless visits. In addition, she has been phoning us to moan that she can’t breathe, or her oxygen isn’t working, or she can’t take a deep breath. We have reached the point where we just reply, “Uh-huh, whatever.” And, yes, her oxygen is working fine and she is breathing more easily than she has in over 20 years.

WWND?

A lot has happened since I started my WWND? diet and exercise program a month ago. Adam began his winter semester at school. We purchased a new car. Jacob learned to float. Irm turned 84. Bev entered the hospital. Jim traveled to Calgary. I endured a doctor appointment. Adam attended the Auto Show. Jacob attended the Auto Show. We bought a new furnace. Bev underwent surgery. Mandy turned six. I received stitches. Bev survived rehab. Jacob vomited. Julia lost her first tooth. Adam secured gainful employment. Bev returned home. Jacob and Richie visited the Henry Ford. Steve turned 33. Lost came back.

In between all of this, I somehow remembered to ride my exercise bike almost every day. In addition, I stopped eating most of the junk foods that I love so much. And I lost 8 pounds. I think I can keep it up, and maybe lose 12 additional pounds in the next few months. WWND? Try it - it works!

Google Maps

If you haven’t done so already, check out the “Street View” option on Google Maps. The Google people apparently drove around various cities last summer with a panoramic camera mounted atop a van. As a result, you can “drive” down a road on your computer, and stop & spin 360-degrees at any point. You can see houses as if you were right out in front of them. And cars. And, if people happened to be outdoors while the Google vehicle was going by, then they, too, are displayed on the internet. I am just lucky that my street has not been done yet. I cannot even imagine my humiliation if they had caught me out in the yard. I will now forever be on the lookout for that Google van. I have heard that Google has actually removed some images from “Street View” after people complained they were recorded doing embarrassing things. There are even websites devoted to interesting Google “Street View” sightings. It’s all pretty amazing.

Mother-in-law news: I am bringing Bev to a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon. She talked to me by phone many times on Monday to verify and re-verify the date and time. She insists that I arrive early to pick her up so we can determine how to operate her portable oxygen. I reminded her that she just used it Saturday at the restaurant, but she doesn't remember. She also had a home health care nurse over on Monday, and persuaded the poor woman to call me twice just to "get all the facts straight." Good times.

Same Crap, Different Day

My mother-in-law was issued a “medical release” from the rehab center two days ago. Evidently, there was no urgent “medical” reason she needed to remain there. Mentally, however, she requires lots of assistance. She could not wait to leave “that &*#@! rehab place” and get home “to relax.” Bob picked her up Thursday morning. Within three hours of being home, Bob called me to report that Bev was confused and panicking, and wanted to go back to the hospital. Jim had to leave work early to go calm her down.

Bev is very forgetful. Which causes quite a dilemma because she is taking 15 different prescription medications. While she does have lucid moments, she is still delusional often enough for us to be concerned. She says she is “bored” and “can’t relax.” She wants a cigarette, too. Jim and Debbie had hoped she could make it on her own, but now they both have their doubts. Jim and I spent 5 hours with Bev today – cleaning (oy vey!), visiting, and shopping. Jim even took her to one of her favorite haunts, the Ram’s Horn, for lunch. We are going back to her house tomorrow to sort her pills into separate, daily containers. Well, at least she has not been phoning us in the middle of the night. (Cross fingers, knock on wood.)

It seems like all we do lately is take care of Bev. She sure demands a lot of our time and attention. When we’re not busy buying new furnaces, traveling out of town on business, or getting stitches in our fingers, that is. January was certainly a hectic month. It is also almost time for my WWND diet update. I cannot believe that close to a month has passed since I began my latest weight loss strategy. It has definitely been an interesting 2008 so far!